Rodney-No Respect

I Tell Ya I Get No Respect
Rodney Dangerfield One Liners

With All Due Respect
Nov. 22 1921 - Oct. 05 2004

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"

I was so poor growing up...If I wasn't born a boy....I'd have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I was such an ugly kid........When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

I'm so ugly...My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father........ I'm very sorry....... We did everything we could......But he pulled through.

I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness....... AFTER I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said. "I don't know, kid .. there are so many places they can hide."

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

Last Christmas, I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an Odor-Eater.